I have a problem with the mirror or more specifically what I see when I look in the mirror. I think my mind has disconnected from my body or at least my eyes from my brain. You see when I was huge, and I do mean huge, I would look in the mirror and still go ahead and tuck my shirt into my pants and put on a belt. I thought I looked good. I never saw what other people saw when they looked at me. Looking back, I think this protected my feelings but it also allowed me to deny the image staring back at me. I wonder how much sooner I would have made the commitment to get rid of the weight had I seen what everyone else saw.
I have lost more than 50% of my previous body weight and I continue to have issues with the mirror. I can't get my head to recognize what my eyes see. Conversations with my children have gone like this:
me: "Do you see that woman over there?"
them: "Yes, Mom"
me: "Am I as big as she is?"
them: "No Mom!"
me: "Are you sure or are you just saying that because that is what
you think I want to hear?"
you think I want to hear?"
Time and time again I would ask the same question of each of them always getting the same answer and yet not quite sure whether or not to believe them. I look at pictures of me "before" and wonder how I could not have seen in the mirror what stared back at me so clearly in those photos. Was I protecting myself?
I have new clothes and many new photographs but I still have the same mirror. I look at myself from every angle, with and without clothes and I see the loose skin but I still don't trust what I see. Every once in a while I will glance at the store window and catch a reflection of myself and have to take a second look. For that brief second or two that reflection causes me to do a double take as I realize I am looking at me and I look pretty good!
Today I have decided to start trusting the reflection in the window and am promising to never again ask my children to make a comparison between me and a random stranger. Trusting my reflection in the mirror may take a while longer!
The other day a friend told me my waist is now "tiny". I think I may have to work on my ears next. :)
Oh, Lynn-- I SO do the same thing-- compare myself to people out in public. And I also have several different mirrors-- some that are more flattering than others. I remember I used to have a "skinny mirror" and a "fat mirror." Honestly, I think the "fat mirror" was just accurate.
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