Thursday, January 27, 2011

Objects in the mirror

I have a problem with the mirror or more specifically what I see when I look in the mirror.  I think my mind has disconnected from my body or at least my eyes from my brain.  You see when I was huge, and I do mean huge, I would look in the mirror and still go ahead and tuck my shirt into my pants and put on a belt.  I thought I looked good.  I never saw what other people saw when they looked at me.  Looking back, I think this protected my feelings but it also allowed me to deny the image staring back at me.  I wonder how much sooner I would have made the commitment to get rid of the weight had I seen what everyone else saw.

I have lost more than 50% of my previous body weight and I continue to have issues with the mirror.  I can't get my head to recognize what my eyes see.  Conversations with my children have gone like this:
     me: "Do you see that woman over there?"
     them: "Yes, Mom"
     me:  "Am I as big as she is?"
     them:  "No Mom!"
     me:  "Are you sure or are you just saying that because that is what
             you think I want to hear?"

Time and time again I would ask the same question of each of them always getting the same answer and yet not quite sure whether or not to believe them.  I look at pictures of me "before" and wonder how I could not have seen in the mirror what stared back at me so clearly in those photos.  Was I protecting myself?

I have new clothes and many new photographs but I still have the same mirror.  I look at myself from every angle, with and without clothes and I see the loose skin but I still don't trust what I see.  Every once in a while I will glance at the store window and catch a reflection of myself and have to take a second look.  For that brief second or two that reflection causes me to do a double take as I realize I am looking at me and I look pretty good!

Today I have decided to start trusting the reflection in the window and am promising to never again ask my children to make a comparison between me and  a random stranger.  Trusting my reflection in the mirror may take a while longer!

The other day a friend told me my waist is now "tiny".  I think I may have to work on my ears next.  :)

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Lynn-- I SO do the same thing-- compare myself to people out in public. And I also have several different mirrors-- some that are more flattering than others. I remember I used to have a "skinny mirror" and a "fat mirror." Honestly, I think the "fat mirror" was just accurate.