It has been a long time since I felt drawn to write or share anything. Today seemed like a good day to begin again. It is almost the end of another year. I have had many blessings and joy-filled days as well as challenges and doubts. There has been a lot of laughter and there have been tears. I am alive and breathing and that alone is a gift!
I have lost 196.4 lbs of what was once me by fighting with all of my might! I have maintained that weight loss for almost eight years with one hundred of those pounds gone for more than twenty two years. I am a Weight Watchers leader who leads three very successful meetings a week and yet today I am more than 10 lbs above my goal. I have my reasons, well excuses, beginning with rotator cuff surgery in October. Surgery put me out of my exercise routine and continues to keep me from doing much of the physical activity that I love and that my body is used to. Then there is the comfort eating and the holidays and slowly the weight creeps up. I feel embarrassed and ashamed... Today I looked in the mirror and really paid attention to what I was seeing. More shame! I put on clean jeans, my fat jeans, and they weren't as loose as they should be. My muffin top spilled over the waist. I came downstairs and handed my phone to my husband and asked him to take two pictures, a side shot and a straight on shot and then without looking at the pictures I asked him to take I sat down and ate my breakfast. I knew what I would see.
My husband is an amazing man who has loved my no matter what. He didn't understand the pictures. While he didn't ask me a single question about why he was taking my picture I heard his silent questions! He confirmed how smart he is when he asked nothing and yet I heard him loud and clear saying, I love you, you are fine, don't stress this... I am not fine! Once again I find myself uncomfortable in my own body. My mind screams, "How are you going to stand in front of the members in your meetings? Look at you!!"
"Do you want the facts or the bullshit?" A simple question that my husband loves! I hear that rolling around in my head these days. The bullshit is all of my excuses about my food choices and exercise; surgery, drugs for pain from surgery, comfort food after surgery, it's the holidays, I'm not allowed to even take a walk... There are more but why waste time on bullshit. The facts are while I did have surgery and pain and activity restrictions, I made conscious decisions to eat mindlessly, conscious decisions to not track what I was eating, conscious decisions to bake too many cookies and it all caught up with me. FACTS that can't be denied. Numbers that stare back from the scale. Fat jeans that are not quite so loose. Rolls in unflattering places. I am done!
So what would I say to my friend in this exact situation. I would tell her I love her and that this is a temporary setback. I would give her a hug and hold her tight and maybe even cry with her telling her I understand because I do. I would smile and ask how I can help and then do it. I would cheer every positive step she makes and we would celebrate her success because she will be successful. I would remind her how far she has come and assure her she has not failed.
I had a bump in the road and I am NOT a quitter nor am I a failure. I am perfectly imperfect! I have looked at the pictures and while I am not happy, they are not as bad as I imagined. I have tracked everything for 24 hours. I will put on the same clothes next Thursday and have my husband take new pictures and I will get this weight back off. Will I screw up once in a while? You can count on it! Will I succeed? You can count on it!
I am perfectly imperfect!
